


いつかの果て

by VeterPeremen



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: A long road to realization, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Ash works in a bookstore, Depression, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, Slight spoilers in the manga, Thank god for Blanca and technology
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-07-11 01:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15962105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeterPeremen/pseuds/VeterPeremen
Summary: People hold on to the promise of someday, one which might even stretch until forever. Where does 'someday' end? Ash and Eiji both try to come to terms with their bittersweet parting.





	1. Ｆｒｉｅｎｄ

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work for this fandom and I came up with this for obvious reasons which I believe I share with most of you. Each chapter title is from different Japanese songs. The fic follows the anime timeline, and since most of the songs are not from the 80's, they wouldn't be anachronistic. I haven't practiced creative writing in a long time since I got involved a lot in academic stuff, so my output's not gonna be that perfect. Anyway, thank you in advance!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shunichi worries about Eiji.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [さよならだけ 言えないまま きみの影の中に いま涙がおちてゆく]

"Ei-chan, it's about time." Shunichi gently pat the young man's shoulder as he glanced at the flight information display. They were about to board within 5 minutes but Eiji was still waiting for a familiar figure to appear in the crowd. Up to the last minute, it seemed that Eiji didn't want to give up, looking determined despite his fragile condition.

As the final boarding call blared, Eiji wordlessly nodded his head and Shunichi understood that he was ready to go. His heart broke for Eiji who clung to the hope that maybe, Ash Lynx would see him for the last time. But thinking of how their stay in the States wasn't entirely how they hoped it would be, he just wished that everyone who managed to get out of the nightmare alive would heal in time.

Especially Eiji.

Eiji whom he brought with him to the States, who was still in the process of piecing himself back together after an incident that broke his spirit and ended his dreams. Eiji whose life had been in danger too many times. Eiji who found both strength and weakness in one person.

Shunichi had met people who went through depression before, but never before has anything affected him the way Eiji did and he felt responsible for what happened. Something he first thought would help Eiji ended up making things worse for him. And the question bugs him, "Will Eiji be able to fly again?"

Inside the plane, he thought of how he was going to explain everything to Eiji's family and how he intends to help him recover. Eiji was fast asleep beside him. The days of running away and fearing for their lives are over, but with Ash's refusal to see Eiji off, he wondered what the gang leader might have been thinking. He suddenly remembered one time when Ash had to play the bad guy and talk Eiji into going back to Japan. If only he came to say goodbye properly, but Shunichi understood that it would be too risky.

Ash Lynx must have been hurting too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Anzen Chitai's song 'Friend' (1986).  
> The song was released around the time the manga was published.  
> For those who are fans of the Korean group SHINee, this song was covered by Onew a few years ago (yeah, that legendary "Frieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend~").
> 
> EDITED: (Since we like hurting ourselves anyway.)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_v3GOL-has


	2. サヨナラの準備は、もうできていた

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash always thought he was prepared for goodbyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [僕たちはどうして 出会ってしまったんだろう サヨナラの準備は、 もうできていた いつだって　いまだって　 ずっとずっと]

In the darkness, Ash could hear familiar voices. Griff. Skip. Shorter. Where could he be? He couldn't remember exactly the last thing that happened but he can recall that after being attacked by Lao, he tried to make his way back to the library. Different places flashed in his mind- their base, the apartment which served as their hideout, Golzine's mansion, Chinatown and Cape Cod, but Eiji's voice was nowhere to be heard. 

He couldn't make out the conversation between Shorter and Skip even if he tried to locate them. He called out their names and frantically looked for them but their voices seemed as if they were just beside him, yet unseen. "Shorter! Skip!", Ash screamed. Then, he realized that he was in a dilapidated building and that he had reached the end of a floor. He felt he was falling. The sensation felt too real.

"No!" 

Ash woke up sweating with a sharp pain in his abdomen. His vision was still blurred, yet he found himself in an unfamiliar room with the unmistakeable smell of antiseptic. Even with windows covered by heavy gray curtains, he could tell that is was midday.

"Boss, you scared me!"

"A-Alex?" he faced Alex and noticed how obviously worried he was. "What's this place?"

A sigh of relief escaped Alex's lips, "A private clinic. Lao stabbed you, remember? And it was as if you intended to die in the library. I could've died before you because of fear!" From the drawer beside Ash's bed, Alex brought out a bloodied book. "But this saved you." 

Ash examined the book- his copy of Ernest Hemingway's collection of stories which included 'The Snows of Kilimanjaro'. The pages were soaked with blood. He forgot how he slipped the book in the waistband of his jeans that day. "Alex, is this all? I mean, did you find a letter or anything else?" he asked.

"It's with Sing. Poor guy was so terrified when we found you. He saw the letter in your hands and he said Eiji was not gonna forgive him for letting that happen." Then, Alex went on to tell him how they ended up saving him. Blanca found a way to secretly install an app on Ash's and Sing's phones, connected to a mechanism on Ash's watch which monitors his heart rate. Since Ash deliberately left his phone in order not to distract himself from tracking Eiji's flight from time to time, the moment he was stabbed, Blanca was instantly notified that Ash was in danger. At the same time but in different places, Alex, who saw Ash's phone automatically unlocked, and Sing, who was still upset that Ash didn't see Eiji off, received directions from Blanca through the app. They were reminded that Ash's condition is confidential. No one among their respective gangs must know. Not even Max or Jessica.

"It amazed me how throughout the rescue, Blanca was calm. The Chinese brat was panicky when he learned that it was his brother's doing, but he chose to help me and follow Blanca's directions. He asked us for an assessment of your situation and we relayed the information to him, then, he went through his magic directory of what he said as 'doctors he can trust'. He's just...amazing. Even better than 911." Alex continued. 

Again, Ash flipped through the bloody pages of the book. He stared at the center where the knife went through. It could've been deeper. He really intended to sleep in the library and never wake up. The universe must have other plans for him. What aches more than his wound was his denial to know if Eiji made it back safely to Japan. "Um, Alex, how long have I been sleeping?", he asked.

"Been three long days, Boss. Sing looked after you yesterday. While you were asleep, he kept apologizing for what Lao did to you. I haven't told the gang anything yet, so it's all up to you. By the way, the other day, your phone received a notification that flight..." Alex was cut short when Ash shushed him. 

Ash looked at the direction of the window and Alex whispered, barely audible, "...NH 265 landed safely at Tokyo Haneda Airport." as he stood up to part the curtains.

The door slowly opened and Blanca came in. "Finally, you're awake. Glad to know the app worked. That's a hundred thousand dollar investment I made."

"I'll take my leave. Is there anything you need?" Alex asked, sensing that the two needed to talk without his presence.

Ash shook his head. "Take care, Alex."

As soon as Alex left, Blanca sat on the chair beside Ash's bed. "So," he began, "I apologize for not letting you know that I put a transmitter on your watch the last time we talked. I found a way to break into the security of your phone, and also Sing's."

"Yeah you did, and now we're here."

"In history, I assume you know what a Pyrrhic victory is. Think, Ash. Golzine, Arthur and Foxx have turned to dust, but the cycle will go on. I never thought you'd be in danger sooner than I expected. I talked to Sing and Alex as soon as I got here. If you didn't make it, your gang will retaliate and again, there'll be a war. And if you did, what will you do? This is a chance to set things straight."

Ash took a deep breath. There must be a reason why he survived. Even if Blanca interfered by intruding his and Sing's privacy, he was saved in the nick of time and he now has a chance to live his life the way he would've wanted Aslan to live. But Aslan was long gone, and what about Ash Lynx? Has the lynx exhausted all of his proverbial nine lives?

"With this," Blanca placed a gentle hand on Ash's wound, "you have been reborn."

Tears streamed down Ash's face as he acknowledged Blanca's words. He thought of how beautiful and painful the irony was - a new beginning meant an end. "And you were just testing an app, huh.", he managed to smirk.

"I heard from Sing...you didn't say goodbye to Eiji." Blanca said as he poured water on a glass and handed it to Ash. "Is that what you really want?"

Ash pursed his lips after a gulp, "He's on the other side of the world now. Back to safety. Far from harm. I'd be happy if he forgets all the bad things he experienced here. Too traumatic for an ordinary person."

"Is that what you want, Ash?" Blanca repeated his question.

"That's what I want for him, Sergei." 

"Well then, we have to discuss important matters regarding the end of Ash Lynx. I don't think this is the right time for me to press you for an answer."

The orange hues of sunset filtered through the window. Ash flinched, remembering Eiji's letter and the plain ticket. A chance to change his future which he didn't accept. What he felt for Eiji was something beyond what words in any language can define or describe. He was thankful that through all the turbulent times he faced his enemies, Eiji believed in him and gave him a kind of protection more than a powerful firearm or strength in battle had.The problem was he wrestled with his own insecurities way too much that he thought Eiji doesn't deserve him. For Eiji was everything that was good in his troubled world. He believed that Eiji was better off in Japan, pursuing his dreams. It hurt him to refuse Eiji's offer, but he tried to justify that it was for the latter's sake although he never said it himself.

"I'm always prepared to say goodbye." Ash said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a song by the fictional band CRUDE PLAY from カノジョは嘘を愛しすぎてる (The Liar and His Lover) in 2013. 
> 
> Check out the short music video on YouTube. :) -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5kArMFNSKQ
> 
> A teaser for Episode 11 came out today and I screamed in a public place the moment I saw Ash wearing his glasses. Actually, one strong motivation for this fic is Ash wearing glasses.


	3. 君の手

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiji is back in Izumo, and on the same day, he hears a heartbreaking news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [どうか君の手でこの涙を拭ってくれないか]

After their arrival in Tokyo, Shunichi decided it would be best for Eiji to stay with him for a few days before he goes home to Izumo. He brought him to the hospital the next day for a check-up to determine his physical condition. The results were positive towards a speedy physical recovery, but Shunichi had doubts whether Eiji was emotionally okay. The young man had been a warrior who fought well in the track, but in terms of the matters of the heart, it was a completely unknown territory. Knowing that Eiji's silence is caused by both sadness and exhaustion from the trip, he persuaded him to eat to at least feel better until he brings him back to his hometown.

Eiji's family had been informed of their return, and were already expecting him to be with them in a few days. It wasn't easy apologizing to them over the phone regarding Eiji's absence and lack of communication. His family had the right to be worried. What happened in New York, as the two of them have discussed in an earlier conversation, would be a watered down version of the violent and dangerous experience as Eiji didn't want his family to overreact. They decided to select the details carefully and leave out the ones too painful to retell.

"Ibe-san, I know they're all worried, but I don't think telling them everything would be a good idea." Eiji softly spoke. "I don't want them to blame you when in fact, most of what I had been involved in was my choice. They wouldn't understand."

Shunichi cast a worried glance at him. He thought that Eiji was right, and even if his family also deserves the truth, sparing them the details won't complicate matters as long as they are consistent with their facts. He had finished reporting to his agency. The necessary images had been submitted, together with the output he accomplished with Max's help. What's left is for them to go back to their normal lives.

"That would be it then."

And so they spent another couple of days in Tokyo - Shunichi busy with work, and Eiji helping him out. He had been preoccupied with answering phone calls from his colleagues and acquaintances that it took quite awhile for him to finally accompany Eiji back to Izumo. As soon as he got tickets for both of them, he made sure they had all they would need for the trip. What they had agreed to tell Eiji's family were ready, but Eiji didn't talk much and it was obvious how he tries to act cheerful.

Their journey to Izumo was fast and safe, and in Eiji's words - "a little strange" as the sights of the sea and the countryside seemed as if he hasn't seen them before or they're from a long time ago. Memories of New York must have stayed so deep in his consciousness that even his hometown started to feel like an unfamiliar place. Since it was his first trip outside Japan, he was still trying to get over both the excitement and the weariness of being in another country, adjusting to the time differences, and getting back into some old habits. Sometimes, he finds himself murmuring in English or forgetting some Japanese words. Shunichi assured him that he needn't pressure himself to readjust since it has only been a week since they came back. It happens to most people anyway.

When they got home, Eiji's younger sister opened the gate and welcomed them. She looked at him first, studying the bandages and the sling on his arm before finally hugging him. Eimi, now 16, has grown up into a pretty young lady. A few moments later, Eiji's mother and father joined them in the living room.

Eiji was quick to explain that he got himself into "a little trouble" before his parents asked why he came home looking like that. "I'm okay now. I'll get rid of this in a a week or two, you'll see." He reminded them of his previous pole vaulting-related injuries to prevent them from worrying and asking more questions.

"You must be lucky, that looked like one tough mission." his father, who now looked healthier after conquering cirrhosis said, as he poured sake on Shunichi's cup. He had told them earlier that he no longer drinks.

"It really was. I'm very sorry we stayed longer than what I had promised. Eiji should have been home earlier...but things happened. I'm very thankful to have him with me there, he's more than what I could ask for. Thank you for bringing up a great son."

"What's so great about me, Ibe-san?" Eiji interrupted playfully, and Shunichi immediately understood that he was trying to avoid a possibly serious turn in their conversation. "Eimi here probably enjoyed being the center of attention while I was gone."

Eimi protested, "I didn't! You have no idea how worried I was the whole time. I even thought you forgot you had a sister here or...that 'Good Marriage' charm I gave you worked its wonders and you had a wife and a child back there." She picked up her cat, a Siamese she named Gon, and lovingly stroked its fur.

"Well, be thankful you're mistaken. I wouldn't trade my sassy kid sister for anything in the world.

The siblings' lighthearted bickering somehow relieved Shunichi from his doubts. It won't be long until Eiji returns to his usual cheerful self, that he believed - or he wanted to. Having known Eiji for years enabled him to see through the young man's mind. _This has happened before_ , he thought. When Eiji tries hard, too hard to do something, it only means he is trying to cover up the pain and maybe later, do something surprising or outrageous. This has happened before and while Shunichi watched him interact with his sister, he suddenly felt uneasy for some indeterminable reason.

"Ibe-san, why don't you stay here tonight and just travel tomorrow morning?" Eiji's father offered. "You travel all the way here only to take the trip back home in a few hours. Rest is a must."

Eiji gave him a nod and he found himself saying 'yes'. The family was still as hospitable as they were when he met them. He could smell the food being cooked in the kitchen and he couldn't deny that home cooked meals are the best compared to the instant food he always eats in the city. How he missed fresh local seafood. Eiji must feel the same way. Hot dogs, pizza, burgers and takeout days are now things of the past.

When Eiji's father left for a while to help out in the kitchen, Shunichi's phone rang. He was surprised to get a call from Max. Before he could find out mentally what time it was in Los Angeles, Shunichi sensed the urgency in Max's voice. He kept glancing at Eiji from time to time while Max was trying to build up his story. It must be some important news, but Max seemed like he couldn't break it judging from his the tone of his voice. Eiji, still completely oblivious, sat quietly, humming to himself with Gon on his lap.

"Max, I have a very bad feeling about this. I'm here in Izumo. I just brought Eiji home. Now, tell me, what's the reason for this call?"

On the other end, Max replied in a shaky, hushed voice, "A-Ash is..dead."

"How? Why?" Shunichi wasn't able to control his voice then that Eiji stood up and came to him.

"Charlie just told me. Stabbed on the day you two left. Bled to death. I'm sorry I don't know the other details. I'm sorry..."

"Ibe-san?"

Hearing Eiji's voice, Max pleaded, "Is that Eiji? Please, don't make me tell him. Don't let me be the one to...I can't. Please, Shunichi."

"Max...call me again sometime. Bye." Shunichi closed his eyes before uttering a word. Eiji was looking at him again with those big eyes. "Eiji...Ash is dead." It took all his courage to repeat the details Max mentioned. If it broke his heart, then what was left of Eiji's?

Eiji carefully put the cat on a chair before looking at Shunichi once again. "Ash...is dead?" He looked like on the verge of crying, but trying his best not to. The shock and disbelief in his face so evident, yet, there was nothing they could do from a continent away. It has been days. No way they could get there and bring back the fallen gang leader to life.

And how Shunichi wanted to ask each of their eight million gods why life was so unfair to Eiji. The two of them stood there, unable to say anything. Eiji managed to sigh, but the downhearted look didn't leave his face.

"Dinner is ready!" Eimi's voice echoed from the kitchen. In a matter of seconds, Eiji's parents came out with plates and bowls of hot, steaming food.

The Okumuras were totally unaware of the sorrowful news that reached their son as they all sat on the dining table. Eiji looked like he enjoyed his natto, but Shunichi was the one who looked like he was about to cry. And when a stray tear fell from his eyes, he let them see it. "It just feels good to eat such delicious food again.", he reasoned out. He thought that he was crying the tears Eiji was supposed to cry, but didn't want to show in front of his parents. Eiji remained indifferent until he helped clear out the tableware. It was not as if the news of Ash's death affected him, Shunichi was sure that there was more to Eiji's façade.

Shunichi found himself in another conversation with Eiji's father while Eiji only listened. They talked about cultural differences between the U.S. and Japan, about Eiji's father regaining his health, and some future plans. Eiji's uncle- his father's brother, even offered to help send him to a university in Tokyo as soon as he returns. Time passed by swiftly and only then he realized that it has been two hours. Still no talk about Ash as Shunichi knew it was hard to discuss in the presence of Eiji's father. He was so afraid to talk to Eiji about it.

"Ibe-san, I remember my uncle told me that when there's something that's just too hard to take, just take a deep breath and remember life goes on." Eiji softly said as he stood up, "I'm going upstairs, good night."

Not knowing how to handle a heartbreaking news or to react to someone putting up a brave front - all in a day, was too much for Shunichi. He feared Eiji's silence, actions too restrained, yet meaningful. Ash Lynx, from 7,000 miles away and now, even in death, still owns a part of Eiji. Shunichi shook his head at the thought and corrected himself. Ash owned Eiji more than he knew he did. Totally.

When Eiji flopped into his bed after locking the door and turning off the lights, he started crying into his pillow. He thought that Ash's refusal to bid him goodbye properly was his way of saying goodbye to him forever. Ash was now gone. He repeated it over and over, whispering the painful words in the dark. He wondered if his letter reached him, and if it did, would it make any difference at all? Did his feelings reach him? The fact hurt like a broken bone. Like a knife in the heart. Or more like getting all his life force sucked out from him. He wanted to scream in anguish, but he wanted it all to remain a secret.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps, followed by two gentle knocks on his door.

"Ei-chan. I'm so sorry. If you can hear me and you're still awake, please hang in there. You're not alone." Then, there was heavy silence again after the door of the guest room was shut.

Eiji closed his eyes, trying to remember the first and the last time he saw Ash, as well as the touch of his hand. He hated himself for being inadequate, for not being able to help Ash and convince him to start anew. But in the darkness of his room where the only sound he could hear was his own heartbeat, he wished for only one person to dry his tears.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * I should have finished this part a few days ago. One of our cats died and my husband and I had a difficult time dealing with the pain. Gon was such a sweet furbaby, so I thought of paying tribute by naming Eimi's cat after him.
> 
> The title of this chapter is Kimi no Te (Your Hand) by Snowkel in 2007.


	4. ハナムケ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From lynx to phoenix real quick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [友達でも恋人さえ 見守ることそれしかできない時もある]

Somewhere in an obscure part of Manhattan, Blanca got Ash a small space where he can stay for the meantime as they plan to smooth things out with the gangs and the cops. This time, only the two of them knew of it. Alex and Sing swore not to pry, only to listen to Ash's instructions for they believed that with Ash's intention to disappear, things will be settled. No more big enemies, no more deaths. It was supposed to end there, with Ash's death.

Sing tipped off Charlie and Jenkins about how Ash bled to death from a stab wound. Charlie, in utter disbelief, talked to Sing one on one, demanding details from the bloody encounter of his, Ash's and Cain's groups against Golzine and Foxx. The information he disclosed were ones that Ash approved, and what he believed could help the case against Golzine and the rest who deserved to be indicted and punished. The young gang boss confessed to have witnessed how Golzine and Foxx died, as well as how all of the evidence regarding Banana Fish got wiped out in an instant. His account was dutifully noted by Charlie, who, even in the end, expressed his frustration about wanting to help Ash. Unexpectedly, a mutual respect developed between them, but still, without a body and other supporting evidence, Charlie never had the mental room to think that Ash was really dead.

It was quite easy for Ash to surmise that things would go that way. His death had been faked before, so the cops won't easily buy his story this time. He needed an exquisite plan, and so far, Alex had already informed his and Cain's gangs that he was dead. As expected, the men were all shocked. Bones and Kong bawled the whole day while Cain was speechless, asking to be left alone as soon as he heard the news. One part of the plan, which he suggested to Blanca, Alex and Sing during their discussion was staging his own funeral. He knew his gang would look for his body or avenge him, but thanks to Alex and his convincing acting, complete with an explanation of how he requested to be cremated, scattered in Cape Cod. He laughed when Alex reported to him about the puns his men came up with, how 'Ash will be scattered', 'Ash's ashes' and some more. In a more serious note, his 'final will' will be made known to his gang - that he wished for them to go back to school or to find decent work and to never get involved in any more violence. Alex had began working on the money Ash had allotted, which he will be splitting equally among the members. One concern Alex had though, was the possibility that in the future, anyone among the other guys would find out that Ash was alive. Ash hoped that his gang would understand that it was necessary for everyone's sake.

Before the fake funeral, Ash first visited his father. It was the only opportunity for him to tell Jim everything. He had been completely honest with him before, but the circumstances didn't allow them to catch up on all the missing years. They had both been scarred by past events, brought apart by the cruelty of fate, but with Ash reaching out to tell him how he is looking forward to living a new life, Jim could only give him his blessing. He had told him everything - from the day Jennifer died and they left for California until the event which brought about his very purpose in Cape Cod. Knowing full well that the cops are after him, it is impossible for him to live a simple life in his hometown as if the crimes he committed never happened. The only thing he could do was to make sure Jim would want for nothing for the rest of his life, so he deposited a huge amount on Jim's account. Ash had one simple request which his father gladly, and tearfully obliged - an embrace. He promised that he'll find ways to keep in touch with him and no matter how far and wherever they may be, they will still remain father and son.

"So you want me to weep as they scatter your fake ashes here? Crying on cue isn't easy." Jim griped, trying to think of how he was going to act out his part.

Ash carefully blew the dust off a photograph of him and Griffin, "Yes. As much as I wanted to cry at my own funeral, I have no more tears left. Think of it as the send off we weren't able to give Griff. Back then, I wept belatedly. It hurts until now.". He then put the photograph on a small wooden frame. "I'll watch from the attic."

Jim put an arm around Ash's shoulder and lovingly gazed at the picture, "We both lost Griffin and it's meant to hurt, but I still have you, Aslan. Things are complicated, so we gotta stay strong.".

A little later, the mourners arrived - his gang, together with Sing and Blanca. Surprisingly, everyone showed up in black suits that Ash chuckled at the sight of them from where he was watching. As instructed, Alex handed the urn to Jim, and after the fake ashes were scattered, Alex proceeded to read Ash's last will. If one would be careful to analyze the details, Ash wanted them not to look back if ever they find out something that would remind them of their past. The will ended with the dissolution of their gang as Ash had ordered.

Sing and Blanca stayed with Ash in the old house to discuss the remaining parts of the plan.

And from out of the blue, Sing finally asked the question Ash had tried so hard to avoid, "What about Lao?".

While in hiding, the answer remained nebulous in Ash's mind. Lao believed he did kill him, and was ready to turn himself in to cops, but Ash couldn't ascertain what he feels - whether it was forgiveness or cruelty. So he raised an eyebrow and replied, "Dunno. Maybe get him to study? Send him to another country? Make him an astronaut? Your call, Sing. I actually have him to thank for this wake up call.".

"Well, he's not someone I can get easily rid of anyway. Oh, by the way, I'm relieved the matter with Yut Lung has been resolved the other day. I thought such change of heart only happens in paperback novels."

News travels fast, but even before Yut Lung heard of his death, Ash came to him personally to settle the score with him.

Yut Lung was a mess that afternoon. He knew that Lao was going to carry out his initial order, but later on, he regretted everything he has done in the name of revenge. Blanca's words affected him so much, that for days, he imagined the voices of those who got tangled in his web and met an unfortunate end. The poison snake, now cornered, did not put up a fight anymore. Instead, he broke down and begged Ash, Sing and Blanca to kill him.

"You have your gun with you, right? Pull the trigger and don't think twice.", Yut Lung cried.

Ash helped Yut Lung get up. "The person you are asking to kill you is dead. Ash Lynx is no more. Do I have to repeat it? Should I have Sing translate it in your language just so you'd understand it better? I'm asking you one thing, Yut Lung, it doesn't have to be right now or tomorrow or next week. Nobody said it can happen in an instant, but try to move on and start loving yourself."

Again, Yut Lung remembered what Blanca told him before. He's got what he wanted. Now, what's next after revenge? The climb to power was bloody, and now he just realized the pointlessness of his insecurity.

"We've been there, Yut Lung. We were both broken. So, what now? Are you just gonna drink yourself to death?"

"I know what I've done to you was unforgivable..."

"So were the things I did and were done to me."

"Is Eiji..."

"He's alive. He has returned to Japan. And if you're gonna ask for forgiveness, just cut it out. I...I drove him away."

There was a deafening silence for a few moments. Yut Lung fought the strong urge to apologize after seeing Ash so upset.

"This may not be enough, but tell me how I can help you."

Sing cut in, "W-wait! And why should Ash trust you?". Then, remembering the fact that Ash Lynx is already a dead man's name, "Oops, my bad. I mean, this nameless guy here..."." Blanca let out a quiet laugh and Sing blushed.

"He said we were both broken. And those who knew what it feels like can help another to realize that there is hope after all. Thanks to him, I found the truth. I don't deserve his forgiveness, but I want to help him."

"Well then," Sing nodded, "don't make us regret trusting you."

Yut Lung wiped his tears and led them to his workspace. As the new head of the Lee family, he finally realized that there was a good use for his power. "Once more, tell me what you need."

"I need documents for my new identity.", Ash began. "And if possible, expose the other politicians involved in the conspiracy."

"The first one can be accomplished within a week. Let's say you were born in Hong Kong to American parents, or something like getting orphaned and adopted. What do you say about that?" Yut Lung asked.

"Hmmm. That's good enough. I like the idea and what about the second one?"

"It'll take some time, careful planning and a little of my craft."

"No blood this time, Yut Lung."

"Okay, careful planning in which safer and less traceable procedures should be carried out. And I believe you want me to benefit from this?"

"Exactly. Business-wise and conscience-wise. We have two witnesses here."

"Alright. Let me know what name you will go by, some specific details you like, and so on."

Ash tore a sheet of paper from the notepad Yut Lung offered and started writing. When he was done, he let Sing and Blanca read what he had written, and after an approving nod from the two, he gave the paper to Yut Lung.

"Perfect." Yut Lung remarked.

As the days passed by, Ash felt less stressed out by his concerns. Yut Lung has sent him all the necessary documents and has already mobilized his men to expose the filthy politicians. Even when things have started to look positively, still, Ash feels like there was something wrong which he couldn't figure out.

A few days later, he received a message from Sing telling him to meet him in a back alley in Chinatown. One of Shorter's favorite hangouts, he recalled. It was so sudden, and though he was a bit suspicious himself, he dismissed the thought. Since Blanca was busy helping Yut Lung out, he had no one to accompany him, and so he went to respond to Sing's request.

He was surprised that instead of Sing, he saw Charlie and Jenkins.

At that very moment, he thought that Sing sold him out, but Charlie said that they had no guns with them and that they came to talk.

"I just couldn't believe that you're dead. Sing Soo Ling didn't betray you. Don't get mad at him. He didn't want to cooperate with us at first and I know it's hard to trust cops. I'm sorry it had to be this way, but please, hear us out."

Ash squinted at them. "Fine. What about?"

"I have five daughters," Jenkins said. "All precious to me, my pride and joy. When I came home dead tired one day, my youngest asked me about why this world's unfair. Take note, I was fresh from following your case and she just asked me that." Jenkins held his hands. "In the eyes of the law, you are a vicious criminal to be feared and condemned. But to me, you are a child who needed and deserved love, but had to let the darkness rule his heart so that a light would shine through. In your own way, you saved this world."

  
"I have the same sentiments as Officer Jenkins. You did what even the strong wouldn't do and stopped Banana Fish from destroying countless lives. When I started investigating your case, I thought of where my loyalty lies. I could be faithful to my job, but blind to the truth. This has been in my mind for over a year and when I thought of those I wanted to protect, I arrived at this decision. I'm doing this for Nadia, and for our baby." Charlie added.

"Really? How far along is she?"

There was bliss in Charlie's smile. "Three months, Ash."

"I'm so happy for the both of you. Shorter would've felt the same...if he were still around."

Jenkins handed Ash a stack of folders and a lighter. "Your physical records. How Charlie and I got hold of them, don't ask anymore. And as for your electronic records, we took advantage of a recent database hacking which destroyed thousands of items, one of those irretrievable was yours. Now, burn these traces of your past, Ash Lynx."

Ash's hands trembled as he set the folders on fire. Sing appeared from behind him and poured gasoline on the fire, mouthing "Sorry." when they looked at each other. "It's okay.", he replied.

"I cannot guarantee that your past has been completely erased, but while Charlie and I are here, we will do our best so you can protect your future. Live the life you've always wanted, young man." Jenkins said.

"How can I thank both of you?"

Charlie gave his shoulder a friendly squeeze. "Find your happiness and stay away from trouble. Don't worry, we're taking this secret to the grave."

Such moving words made Ash cry. He never expected two of NYPD's finest to let him go like that. Was there something with the alignment of the stars that suddenly, the forces of the universe were in his favor?

Charlie and Jenkins have left while Sing remained with him. They watched the fire until it died out.

"Don't you think it sounds cool? The lynx has become a phoenix." Sing mused.

"I didn't know you were capable of such rhetoric, but yeah...it's cool."

"I wonder what Eiji's doing over there?"

"You always have difficult questions, Sing. It's an hour before noon in Japan, I think. "

"Sorry again. I bet he's thinking of you."

With a deep sigh, Ash replied, "And it's exactly what I'll be doing for the rest of my life. I feel he's watching over me. He's given me his soul."

"Okay, I won't bother you about that for now. I just forgot to give you this." It was Eiji's letter.

As Ash made his way to his temporary home, he could only think of Eiji and Eiji alone. His father, his former gang, Yut Lung, Charlie and Jenkins gave him some sort of a farewell gift - to the person Ash Lynx was. And as for Eiji, he read his letter over and over.

 _"Hey, Eiji. How are you? I can always feel you deep in my heart. Take care always, my friend. My soul."_ he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter, I chose the song ハナムケ by w-inds in 2007. I was in college when the song was released. Feels like it's already been ages when I look back. I actually recommend every song I chose as titles for each chapter. 
> 
> EDITED: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taWhQdtyGug
> 
> And what is Ash's new name? Hmmmm......
> 
> (Will edit this bit by bit.)


	5. 飛べない翼

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ibe is haunted by his decisions as Eiji descends into depression. 
> 
> Please give Eiji a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> {だから飛べない翼を 捨てたら　捨てたなら あたしは舞い上がろう}
> 
> See the notes at the end, I have something for you.

The moment Eiji opened his eyes the next morning, he hated the sun. Even in broad daylight, he felt that darkness has consumed his entire being. Waking up was a joke, but he couldn't bring himself to sleep again.

Seven hours in bed, four of which he spent crying; three half-sleeping. His eyes hurt and his throat was dry. He didn't care whether his sister would pester him about how he looked or whether his mom or dad might ask him what was wrong.

He just lay in his bed, thinking of a reason to get up. Not hunger or a full bladder, and definitely not a stroll around the neighborhood he hadn't seen in more than a year. There wasn't anything he could think of, but his mind was occupied.

He wondered where Ash was at that time, what he was doing and what he looked like when he decided not to see him. Given only a few details by Max through Shunichi, Eiji conjured up painful images of Ash dying that it physically hurt him too - a throbbing pain God knows where but it cried out to be felt. He balled up his fist and punched the wall.

After about a minute, Eimi knocked, "Onii-chan, you awake?".

"Yes." he said softly. She must've heard the sound earlier, but he was sure it wasn't that loud. He was supposed to check what time it was when he realized that the alarm clock had stopped. His mother must have forgotten to replace its batteries. Again, another reminder of how long he was gone from home.

"Just checking you out. I'm so glad you're back. Yesterday, I passed by your room knowing that you're not there, but now, it's great to hear your voice again. I'm off, see you later!"

"Take care, Eimi. Later!" he tried to sound lively.

Eiji sensed the happiness in Eimi's voice. It occurred to him that while he was in New York, Eimi had grown from an annoying kid sister into a warm and caring young lady. They haven't talked much since he arrived. Somehow, he wanted to catch up with her and tell her some stories that would interest her about his time in the US. It worried him a bit that he'd have to separate the good memories from the bad, but there was some good in the bad and the other way around. Should he tell her about Ash? And if he would, he feared that it might only open a wound that was desperately stitched up. Then, it'll bleed again and again without hope of healing.

When he finally got up, he didn't even think of looking in the mirror. He washed his face and dried it with a towel, then, he made his way downstairs, hearing Shunichi and his father talking.

"Good morning, Eiji." his mother greeted cheerfully.

Eiji suddenly hugged her.

"Is there something wrong?" his father asked. Then, Eiji ran into his arms.

Without a word, Eiji only shook his head before embracing his parents again.

"Eiji? You weren't like this when you left. I thought you were being obstinate."

"Maybe he's still adjusting." Shunichi said. "During his first few days in Tokyo, he found it difficult. First trips overseas could be overwhelming."

Eiji's parents nodded. _It must be that so-called travel stress._ Despite them worrying about their son's behavior, they were truly glad at the gesture.

Ibe's trip was scheduled at 7PM, so he still had time for some sightseeing. Eiji accompanied him to his former school to pay Sako-sensei a visit. While they were on their way to the school, they both seemed to avoid bringing up the topic about Ash.

"The main building is newly-painted, but the rest remains the same," Eiji observed. He pointed towards the direction of the building and smiled, "The second room on the third floor was our classroom. I used to look out from that window over there." It wasn't hard for Ibe to notice how the young man was trying to conceal his sadness by starting a random topic. Maybe he was overanalyzing things, he thought, but he knew, from all that has happened before, Eiji couldn't afford to show weakness anymore or else it would completely break him. He mentally admired the effort.

Sako-sensei later led them to the field after complaining about the air conditioner in the faculty room. Seeing the current batch of _'fly boys'_ in their training brought so much memories to Eiji. "Otoya and Hisato visited me three months ago. They told me you weren't responding to their messages, so they're worried."

"I'm sorry, I'll get back to them soon," Eiji replied. He and his fellow pole vaulters were somehow tight-knit that he instantly felt guilty upon learning that two of them wanted to keep in touch with him.

"How was your trip?" Sako-sensei asked them, then, he faced Eiji. "I was shocked that you dropped out, but some experiences can really be more valuable than being in school itself, eh?"

Eiji only quirked an eyebrow and Ibe was quick to sense that the question was quite sensitive, though Sako-sensei never intended any harm.

"Well, yes..." Eiji began. "I...I just don't know what to do with myself then, and now, it's as though it's still the same, but back in a different form. My uncle is planning to send me back to college soon, but I can't see myself having any purpose as of now."

"It was a pity you quit, Okumura. Sometimes, the more we push things, the more we'll end up suffering," Sako-sensei looked at the practicing students, then, he glanced at Eiji and smiled, "You were the best we ever had."

His former teacher's words resonated in his heart. It was a fact, though he preferred to remain modest about his achievements. He was the only one in the history of his school to reach the nationals, the only one who won in the regional and prefectural levels. But to him, that was then, a couple of years ago. Now it all seemed so far away.

With a look full of concern, Sako-sensei suggested as he ruffled Eiji's hair, "You should go consult my brother-in-law, Dr. Taira. He's a good psychiatrist here in our city. Tell him I sent you."

"Thank you, maybe one of these days," Eiji excused himself from Ibe and Sako-sensei to go closer to the track to observe the athletes.

Ibe turned to Sako-sensei the moment he was sure that Eiji was out of earshot, "I'm afraid I wasn't able help him."

"Come, sit here and tell me why," Sako-sensei gestured to the bench a few steps behind them. "Did anything happen to him in New York?"

"I told you before that I was taking him with me on an investigative assignment, but it didn't turn out the way I expected it to. In the beginning, I could say he was happy with all those first time experiences he had there. Like...they kept those melancholic thoughts he had at bay. But we got involved in the middle of the story we were following. I feel responsible, Sako-san. I shouldn't have brought him there if I knew this would happen."

"So you're saying...your involvement in that situation almost cost you your lives?"

Ibe nodded, "That's why it took us two years. Now that it's over, my friend in the US has already finished writing the feature. Just awaiting print. On my part, I have submitted the photographs I have taken to my agent. Anyone can say our work is finished and it's a closed book, but Ei-chan...what the world will never know is behind that report is Eiji's story. What he had found and what he had lost, what he had changed and what changed him - he's carrying the weight of all those on his shoulders."

"Look at him, Ibe," Sako-sensei said. The photographer did what he was told to and he saw Eiji sitting on the grass, arms wrapped around his knees. "Okumura-kun is a special boy. I believe his heart is strong and that he will pull through. Yes, I am worried about him as you are. And who wouldn't be? I don't really know what happened back there which affected him that much, but even if it's painful, no matter how many times he falls down, I hope he'd still find the reason and the courage to spread his wings and fly again."

The old teacher also joked about turning completely bald to cheer Ibe up as they watched Eiji being approached by the _fly boys_. Nonaka-sensei, their coach, just arrived. He happily waved at them and bowed.

"See, he must have told the boys that their senpai came by to watch them at their training," Sako-sensei told Ibe. The boys held out their hands to Eiji one by one. "They all look inspired."

By the time Ibe was to return to Tokyo, Eiji sent him off at the station. The day went by without a mention of the shocking news Max told them the previous day and it made Ibe feel uneasy. He couldn't even give Eiji proper advice to deal with the situation, and it frustrates him that he could only watch as Eiji acts unaffected. An awkward silence hung in the air while they were waiting for the train.

The moment Ibe saw the train approaching, he knew he had to at least remind Eiji not to bottle up his feelings and to reach out to him in case he needs help. "Ei-chan, I know this isn't the best time to tell you this. Please, do not hesitate to call me or to tell your loved ones if you feel it's getting too much to handle."

"Thank you, Ibe-san. For the experience, for the guidance...for everything you have done for me all these years. If I hadn't known you, I have no idea just what I'd be doing three years ago, or where I'd be. I'll call and mail you." Eiji bowed. "Take care."

The train left and Eiji waited until it disappeared in the distance. He wondered what was in store for him from then on. Ibe's return to the capital meant that it was the official end of their journey. That he was back to being uncertain of his future, back to being a person without a definite goal. He was not a student and certainly, not an athlete who could somehow make a living from competitions. And that thought hit him again - he had just lost the very reason why while in New York, he felt so alive.

He came home putting on a cheerful pretense, asking his mother what was for dinner and telling his father how he sent Ibe off. It would take time for all of them to get used to being complete again. Eiji thought that Eimi was somewhat wary or unconvinced, asking him questions that border on _'Are you really okay?'_ or _'Do you mean it?'_. He dismissed it as teenage blues.

That same night, he even thought of drowning himself in his bath. He wondered how it was like to be where Ash was, in another world, in another dimension. If Ash were watching over him, what was he thinking? His thoughts were disrupted by Eimi who violently knocked on the door, declaring that it was her turn and that he was taking too long.

_Maybe it wasn't time yet._

For three days, Eiji contemplated whether he really needed professional help which Sako-sensei recommended. He was unoccupied at the moment and was recovering physically, as the semester wasn't over yet so getting back to school had to wait for a couple of months. Helping out at home was the only thing he could do, along with assisting Eimi with the subject she was bad at - Mathematics.

Boredom finally caught up to him, and finally, he decided to go out and visit Dr. Taira.

When he arrived, the door was open, but the doctor was not in sight. The office was small, yet tidy with powder blue walls and sliding glass windows. While waiting, Eiji looked around the walls where a few small frames of landscape paintings and a larger glass frame with 1000 paper cranes inside hung. After what seemed like a minute, he heard the sound of a door being opened, which he realized, was hidden by the _shōji_ screen behind the doctor's chair.

A man who seemed to be in his early forties greeted him, "Good afternoon, I'm sorry if I kept you waiting." He exuded an unassuming presence which Eiji thought was similar to kindness and reliability.

"N-no..no.. I-I just arrived," Eiji stuttered. "S-Sako-sensei told me to see you. I was h-his student."

"Then, you must be Okumura Eiji-kun." Dr. Taira smiled as Eiji nodded politely. "So how can I be of help, Eiji?"

After a brief self-introduction, Eiji disclosed a few facts about what has been constantly bothering him. He began with his post-injury slump, the situation of his family, and finally, some carefully selected traumatic incidents in New York. Dr. Taira took note of Eiji's physiological concerns, as well as his current emotional state. In the middle of the consultation, Eiji wasn't able to control his emotions that he started crying, blaming himself for how some of the past situations turned out. The doctor assured him the information will be confidential and only then, Eiji started to calm down.

"I just want to disappear. I can't see any point to keep going." Eiji confessed.  
  
The initial consultation provided Dr. Taira an insight about his patient. Eiji was suffering. He returned the following week and his visits became regular within the first month. It was clear that he was desperate for help, but as the weeks went by, Dr. Taira noticed that he was becoming more and more fragile - both in body and mind. He had prescribed some antidepressants for Eiji, but the way he looked hopeless baffled him. As a doctor, he had tried his very best. It was his expertise, but two decades in the field weren't enough for this case.

It was definitely a broken heart.

In his recent visits, Eiji was not crying anymore. Dr. Taira thought that the medication was working. He truly hoped it did. Eiji told him that he had been able to sleep compared to the previous weeks in which he had a hard time doing so. But the way Eiji's hands trembled did not escape him. There must be something wrong.

"Okumura-kun, see that glass frame?" Dr. Taira sat on his chair, pointing to the frame on the wall. "Years ago, I decided that there's no other fitting reminder about hope and the drive to keep living than a thousand paper cranes. These were from my previous patients, some of them younger than you are, and some others were adults who, at some point, have given up on life because of the pressures of our society. They returned with the paper cranes they have folded while recovering." He pulled out a sheet of square paper and began folding, "I'm not telling you to do the same. Just look at it."

Eiji watched as the doctor folded, unfolded and creased the paper with precision. And when it was done, Dr. Taira placed the paper crane on his palm.

"We have a lot of metaphors for birds and our fascination with flight. I'm sure you have your own, Okumura-kun. You can give meaning to your experience. We humans do not have wings, but don't we all _'fly'_?"

"But what if a bird has lost both its wings?" Eiji asked.

The question caught Dr. Taira speechless. He tried to connect everything that Eiji told him - the details, the underlying messages and the gestures. And when he put them all together, he realized that Eiji wasn't just carrying his own pain. 

"Never mind," Eiji gave a defeated sigh. "I skipped breakfast, so here I am babbling." He tried to laugh as he stood up, the paper crane nestled in his hand. "Thank you, Taira-sensei."

A few days have passed and Eiji spent the afternoons walking on the beach and watching the birds. He'd write on the sand the things he wanted to say to Ash and wait for the waves to wash them. There, he was alone. No one would see him cry and shout as he throws shells into the water. "Ash, this is so stupid. As if you can read Japanese and understand what I'm saying."

_I've lost you...and now, I think I've gone crazy._

_I don't think I can wait forever anymore._

Eiji went home after watching the sunset. There was nobody home. He got himself a glass of water, then, he went straight to his room and locked the door. He decided not to write a letter; he never wanted them to know. He'd take all his secrets and his memories to the other side, and if that's what he needed so he could follow Ash, that he would seriously do. His eyes darted from the paper crane to the bottle of pills on his bedside table.

He quickly opened the bottle and poured the pills he never bothered to count into his hand. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before popping the pills in his mouth. After drinking water, he lay in bed and waited until everything went black.

And when he opened his eyes again, there was so much light that he thought he had succeeded, that he was already where Ash was until he looked at his side with the sight of Eimi glowering at him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes inspiration from 飛べない翼, a song by the fictional artist Lily Chou-Chou in 2001. It was featured in the movie "All About Lily Chou-Chou". 
> 
> Sorry if this took too long. I had a lot on my plate the past weeks, so this chapter was on the sad side. 
> 
> This is going to be a loooong story. And there's a bit of a fandom crossover. This is something that will happen sometime later (because our Eiji will make it quite big). So, if you're a fan of the Otabek and Yuri pairing from Yuri!! On Ice, here's a little gift for you since October is my birth month as well as Otabek's. <3 
> 
> https://tmblr.co/ZmSHYx2cLYDFz


	6. 始まりの街

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash starts working in a bookstore and finally experiences having a loving family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> {この街に住み始めたころ きっと どこかで泣いていたんだ}

"Good afternoon...Mr. Coeu-, Curr-, Cour-" the HR manager struggled to get the pronuniciation right as she looked at the résumé in her hands.

"It's Coeurville, Ma'am. Jaden Coeurville." The tall and charming green-eyed blond corrected as he held out his hand.

"Haven't seen that surname around. Okay, Jaden, let me go through this first and I'll ask you some questions," she shook his hand and started reading.

His heartbeat went faster. He couldn't remember the last time he was this nervous, or was it the first time he felt this way? _A job interview._

"And you're 19?" she asked.

He nodded. Was there something wrong, suspicious or funny in his résumé which made him feel like the interview won't end well? He didn't just double-check it the night before, along with his other supporting documents; he made sure he knew them all well. If he ever gets into trouble because of that, he'll shave Yut Lung's head. Again, he waited for the HR manager to ask another question.

_So this is how it feels._

"Alright, Jaden. It says here you were home-schooled most of your life. Do you think you can handle a customer service position?"

"Yes. To tell you Ma'am, I had a traumatic experience when I was a child which prevented me from..." he paused, "...pursuing education in the normal setup. But I believe in my abilities, and I can say I learned a lot."

"I'll be honest with you, we don't really hire employees as young as you are. It's not about whether the applicant is a college graduate or not, but we've never been approached by a 19-year old or even a fresh graduate yet. Our youngest employee here is 24 years old. So..."

He took a deep breath and pleaded, "Is my age considered a handicap? I really wanna work here. I am very passionate about books and I am a fast learner. I'm willing to work even without pay...just give me a chance."

She glanced at his résumé again, a little surprised by his determination, "Wait, I didn't notice this part. You're an assistant to Dr. Veronica Ellegaard? She's a loyalty program member here!"

"Really? She actually wrote a recommendation letter for me. Here," he handed her a white envelope.

The HR manager opened the envelope and read the letter. He watched her reactions carefully, his heart still beating fast.

"Oh dear, I'm so, so sorry!" she exclaimed, followed by a gasp which he translated as _'aww poor kid'_. With a look of having made up her mind, she told him, "Dr. Ellegaard speaks highly of you. You're smart for your age, well-read and diligent. So far, it's a yes for me. You deserve a chance, but our branch manager has the final say."

He pouted. He didn't want to go home after coming so close only to be rejected by the branch manager.

"Kindly wait here, Mr. Coeurville. I'll inform him about this and I'll call you afterwards."

"T-Thanks." He wondered what Jessica had her sister write in that recommendation letter. She sternly told him not to read it the moment she told him he might need it. While waiting, he clutched his chest and prepared himself for more questions and also, for the worst.

The HR manager returned with a smile, "He wants to talk to you. Go to the second door to the right. Good luck!"

He didn't know whether being told 'good luck' is assuring enough to dispel the jitters, so he gave her a polite smile and made his way to the branch manager's office. When he reached the door which was left ajar, he peeked in.

"Ah, come in, come in!" a kind accented voice invited him. He noticed the nameplate on the desk: Hirakawa Jutta. Obviously, a Japanese bookstore had to be managed by a Japanese, he thought. So aside from persuading the branch manager to consider him, he needed to make a really good impression.

He made a 45° bow, remembering the way Eiji and Ibe did, and judging from Mr. Hirakawa's reaction, he must be thinking _'ah, this must be an otaku'._

The branch manager beamed, "You didn't have to do that, we're in America. Please take your seat."

And his résumé was again, given another intense look. He kept praying, _'Please, please, accept me. I want this so bad.'_ and he didn't care whether he looked so tense, so uneasy and so...desperate.

"Relax. Would you like some tea?" Mr. Hirakawa offered. "Eunice told me it's not everyday that we get to have a very young and enthusiastic applicant."

He blinked rapidly, surprised by Mr. Hirakawa pouring a cup of green tea for him. "Thanks. I haven't had green tea in a while. Someone I know told me how it makes us calm."

"Under pressure, yes?"

The blond nodded, "Under pressure and perhaps, in most situations." Then, he started to drink his tea. _You might be laughing at me, Eiji. I wonder if things we're a bit different, you'd be making me a heavy Japanese breakfast._

Mr. Hirakawa looked him in the eye as he spoke, "We are not actually a big company compared to other Asian and second-hand bookstores here in America. The expansion only started six years ago when aside from books, we also started selling manga, DVD's, stationery, and in rare occasions, even music. Basically, we cater to enthusiasts and the competition is tough. This is not to discourage you, but salary-wise, bigger companies offer bigger compensation. So..."

"The salary is not an issue for me."

Still a little unconvinced and probably trying to test the young man's determination, Mr. Hirakawa became more serious, "Now Jaden, I won't ask you why we should hire you. Aside from being cliché, I believe it won't get me the answer I need. I just have one last question for you - what made you think that of all places, it is here where you really want to work?"

_Shit. Okay, breathe. You can do this. You can't go home empty-handed after all you've been through today._

He realized that there was something that Mr. Hirakawa was after. There was that one word Eiji told him about when he was teaching him some Japanese words and phrases. He only needed to remember it. It was Eiji's favorite word, and he felt so guilty that he only gave him a _'Sayonara'_ when they last saw each other.

" _Magokoro_ ," he spoke in all honesty, "Someone in Japan has my heart."

"Ah, _'magokoro'_ ," the smile on Mr. Hirakawa's face was his answer. "So, would you like to start tomorrow?"

"Um, what?" _There we go with the cultural differences._

The manager laughed, his kind eyes crinkling, "Congratulations, Jaden."

"Thank you very much, Mr. Hirakawa," he couldn't believe he made it.

_Eiji, if there was a word for your existence, it'd be 'magokoro'. It isn't just one of your favorite words. To me, that is what you are._

 

 

With that name, Ash finally found a job he truly wanted. When he was a child, he told Griffin that he wanted to work in a book store as a clerk or as a cashier. He used to imagine himself reading so many books - first editions of fresh titles, classic works, and even rare ones from foreign authors. He happily went home to deliver the good news to Max, Jessica and Michael.

Weeks before, he carefully travelled from New York to Los Angeles, asking Charlie for Max's whereabouts. The family moved from their former residence, which had some painful memories for Jessica and Michael, to another one, but still in the same city. Ash heard that the couple remarried two weeks after the news of his 'death'. He couldn't think of anywhere else to start anew, so he asked Charlie if he knew where Max and his family moved.

When he was already quite assured that things in New York have settled down, he bid Sing farewell.

"I really have to get used to this new name of yours," Sing scrunched up his nose. "Sounds fancy and idiosyncratic..."

"Ha, I took my time with it," Ash grinned. "That's why it's meaningful."

"Care to tell me why before we part ways?"

"It's Eiji's surname. He told me that 'Okumura' means 'heart of the village'. Then, I thought of the counterparts of each character in another language, which was French. It's a loose translation, though. As for my new first name, I went with 'Jaden' just because I still want to have something from my birth name. Easy to recall too."

Sing blinked in wonder at Ash's explanation, "Woah...woah. You never fail to impress with your wits," but seeing how Ash looked so proud about his new name, the Chinese boss added, "but it's such a pity you didn't follow him."

"Fuck you, Sing Soo Ling."

"Oh, c'mon! Kidding aside, it's a really beautiful and unique name. It's like..." Sing said slowly, "you're married to him because you have the same surname." He enjoyed the sight of Ash blushing and he let out a giggle.

"You don't have to tell me time and again how cruel I was; I had no choice. This name also means that I am his - always and forever."

"So I guess this is farewell," Sing sniffed, holding back his tears. "No one should see the boss of Chinatown looking like this."

"Take care, Sing. 'Till we meet again."

"You too. Email me, okay?"

 

 

When he arrived in Los Angeles, he immediately searched for Max's address and prepared himself for a possibly lengthy explanation as to why he was alive and in need of a place to live in. Whether or not the family will take him in, he had to accept the outcome.

He found the house that night and knocked nervously on the door. Max almost dropped the mug he was holding the moment he saw him.

"It's me."

It was the reaction he expected - utter disbelief. Jessica was about to get her shotgun, hearing her husband swear when he opened the door to reveal the unexpected visitor, but both of them welcomed him with open arms, crying.

"So, Charlie lied?" Max asked, embracing him.

"No. He didn't know yet when he first told you," then, Ash ended up crying too, "I'm sorry, I had to...it's a long story."

"But you're alive. God knows how I wanted to believe that what Charlie told us wasn't true."

The couple pinched him a few times to make sure that they weren't just imagining things. Max was a sobbing mess, asking him repeatedly if it was all a dream.

"I'm sure you're worn out from your journey, so why don't you take a rest first and tell us tomorrow how everything went?" Jessica suggested. "We don't have a guest room yet since we just moved in, but you can sleep in Michael's."

Max agreed, "We'll have Michael with us for now, don't worry."

"How can I thank you?" Ash asked, wiping his tears. "I was already thinking of looking for the nearest hotel instead of bothering you, but still..."

"Even if you used to call me an old woman, I can never turn down someone my husband considers as a son. You're already a part of our family, like it or not. Right, Honey?"

"Yeah, a son, a brother or whatever. You belong with us, Ash," Max gave Jessica a fond look which she returned by kissing him on the cheek.

The next morning, Ash told them everything. Michael was delighted to see him that he was already asking him if they could play when he gets home after school. And how he looked forward to it. The family may have an unconventional setup - Max and Jessica go to work alternately while Michael attends school during weekdays and goes home in the afternoons. Ash thought he could get used to it and that he could help, especially with minding the house and looking after Michael. He was also given something to do so he wouldn't get bored. Jessica's elder sister is a professor in a local college, so he helped her out in checking students' papers.

Ash had also been careful with managing his money to avoid suspicion from investigators. He bought himself a new phone so he could contact Sing, and a laptop for some other purposes. He was still looking for a space to rent which was near Max's place so if ever they needed him, he's just close by. What he felt he really needed was employment.

For days, he learned how to get around his new environment, looking for job vacancies in the area. The search hadn't been easy for him as most jobs needed certain qualifications such as educational attainment or previous experience. Going to school was not an option as Max and Jessica agreed with him that it would be risky. When he stopped by a cafe for a snack, he mulled over the fact how living takes great courage, and how admirable people are for striving to overcome adversities in life. At that moment, he felt far from trouble. He relished the feeling of being finally able to breathe and to begin experiencing life.

It was as if the jewelry shop in front of the cafe called out to him as soon as he went out. Strange as it may seem, but Ash found himself coming in for a reason he couldn't determine until his attention was caught by the display of wedding bands. Without a second thought, he chose and bought a pair of plain platinum bands, but he only guessed the size of Eiji's ring finger based on the memory of the touch of his hand. He also bought a chain so he could wear the other ring always. In that way, whoever sees it would know that he already belonged to someone.

 

 

After getting accepted in the book store, Ash was so excited for his first day at work. As the youngest employee, his colleagues treated him well, calling him their 'baby' and accommodating all his questions. Whenever he wasn't sure of what to do, he'd come up to them and they willingly help him. Work was enjoyable and worthwhile; he goes to the bookstore and returns home by bicycle. It even surprised him when he realized how he had been smiling a lot since then.

He may go by another name and a new identity, but he was already living the life he had wanted for so long.

Three months have passed and Ash eased into his routine. After work, he and Michael study and play. The child looked up to him as an elder brother, which reminded him of his younger self and Griffin. It warmed his heart so much to have a family to go home to - supportive and caring parental figures and a sweet younger brother. He still had nightmares from time to time, but whenever he wakes up and realizes that there was no more need for guns, he'd calm down and go back to sleep.

One morning, after Michael had gone to school and they were preparing to go to work, Max received an invitation to a writers' convention in Chicago. To Jessica's surprise, it was the same event she signed up for, and now they're both worried about having to leave together. They couldn't bother Veronica who was usually busy, and their relatives live in other cities.

"Um, excuse me," Ash interrupted, "What do you think am I here for?"

"But you have work too," Max replied.

"My schedule is pretty flexible these days. If my co-workers can bring their kids there, I can also do the same. Besides, Michael won't cause trouble compared to the toddlers."

Jessica sat beside Max, fixing his necktie. "You have a point, Ash. It's just that...would it be really okay with you?"

"Of course! I'm actually concerned about Michael growing up without a younger sibling, so maybe, you might as well grab the chance." Ash winked before dodging the pillow Jessica threw at him. "Relax, Michael's gonna be fine!" he added as he made his way out of the house.

And so, Max and Jessica's trip to Chicago pushed through. Ash even insisted they extend it for a week with a vacation in Hawaii as his belated wedding gift to them. True to his promise, he took care of Michael while his parents were away, the way Griffin did before. There may be things he cannot get back, people he cannot see, and places he cannot return to anymore, but Ash promised himself not to forget the ones that really mattered to him.

With all the love he was giving and receiving, starting a new life turned out to be a great decision after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading the first chapters so far! I don't know how many chapters this will take, but one thing's for sure - a happy ending (but still, a long way to go). 
> 
> 始まりの街 is this chapter's title, which is a song by Hiroya Ozaki. It's a nice song and it sums up this chapter well. Ash has a wonderful support system in Max's family, and he's also well-loved at work. More of the happy (or should I say, soon-to-be happier?) family on Chapter 8!
> 
> 真心 (Magokoro) is such a beautiful word, isn't it? https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E7%9C%9F%E5%BF%83#Japanese


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